Post Undercover
by Papillon23
Summary: Lame title, I know, but it was all I could think of. It's also pretty self-explanatory. This is my take on what happens in the time after the episode Undercover. I know it's been done, but in any case let me know what you think and, as always, enjoy! :
1. Chapter 1

Olivia and Fin were the only ones in the squad room at the moment. Seeing an opportunity to say what she had wanted to say since leaving the basement, Olivia said, "Thanks, Fin. For...saving me." She hadn't made contact; she was still ashamed of what happened. A brief silence followed.

Fin, too, finally said what had been on his mind since Sealview. "No, don't thank me. I'm sorry I didn't get there sooner. It...it never should've gotten that far." _"It was too close. Way too close,"_ he thought.

She finally looked him in the eye. "No, don't apologize. I'm glad you got there when you did." In that moment he saw in her eyes that she was, truly, grateful. But rather than making him feel better, he only felt worse. Because at the same time he saw immense pain beneath the gratitude, and it was a pain he knew no one should have to bear. And he could've stopped it. If only he had gotten there before it got so close. _So close_.

She really was grateful for him; if he hadn't come when he did, she wouldn't be here today, at least not with much remnant of who she was before Sealview. Even now, when nothing had happened, she was struggling to move on. _"Nothing happened. I wasn't raped. Nothing happened and I'm still so shaken by this. What's wrong with me? I'm not even a victim; why is this getting to me?" _There was one more thing she needed to say, but she needed to say it in just the right way. It was very important to her that he agree to it. _"I'd better just say it before anyone else comes in."_ "Fin?" she asked. "Would you mind if we kept what happened at Sealview...between us? I'd rather not tell anyone else at the precinct..." She looked away as she said this, busying herself making a cup of coffee.

Fin's instincts were against the idea; he could see she was hurting, and that she wanted to hide it, that she was determined to deal with it herself. He also noticed that she was determined to keep it from them, and so she would probably succeed if he agreed to keep this a secret. He wanted to say no, to make her get help by telling Cragen. But he knew that she wouldn't do that even if he did tell Cragen. And he also wanted her to trust him enough to talk to him if she needed to.

"Fine," he said. "But I know what you're trying to do, and I think you should talk to someone about it. No one here would think anything different of you if they knew. You know that, right?"

There was a pause; Olivia continued to busy herself with the coffee, and Fin stood a beside and a little behind her, in such a way that he could not see her face. But he did not need to see her face to know that she didn't mean it when she replied, "Of course I know that."

She walked away and he knew that was the last time they would talk about it, maybe even the last time _she_ would talk about it, ever, which he shuddered to think about. But that was Olivia: she dealt with her problems on her own, and no one could stop her from doing that. And as much as he regretted facilitating it, he knew there was nothing he could do otherwise. It was pointless to stand in her way. He would just try to be there for her, even though she'd never come to him.

***

Olivia hadn't been herself all week, not since her run in at Sealview. Elliot knew something happened there, but he didn't know what, and she certainly was not going to tell him. What was odd was that no one else seemed to know either. Fin had been there, he knew, but he didn't seem any different than usual. Something was up, and he couldn't quite put his finger on it. She looked tired, increasingly so with each day. She was irritable, and sensitive, but almost imperceptibly so, as if she were controlling her emotions. Which, of course, Elliot knew she was. That was how she kept herself at a distance. It wasn't perfect, but it was her method of choice when something became too hard to handle. Most of the time it worked. Most of the time. He knew there were times when it didn't but no one would be around to see the break down. That was how she wanted it. Sometimes he got the chance to be there for her, but it had been a long time since she let him see her vulnerable.

_"Nothing happened. I'm fine_." That's what she'd said when he asked her what happened in the basement. It wasn't true, he knew that, but what really struck him was that she knew he knew it. She knew that he wouldn't buy it but she lied anyways. How had it come to this point? How did they arrive at this place where she didn't tell him anything? Sure, she always liked to keep her emotions to herself to a point, but she always confided in him if it was something really serious, and it was clear from the way she's acting that this was really serious. And yet she kept it from him; in fact, he was pretty sure she was keeping it from everyone. This worried him, nearly frightened him. He was concerned about her, but there wasn't a thing he could do for her without knowing what was wrong.

***

This, the squad room, the interrogation room, the job itself, was her domain. Here, she was in her element. She was in control. And she still was, for the most part. But when a case came to close to home, or if things got a little rough, she had to fight off the impending flashbacks. She hadn't had much trouble in doing that, at least not so anyone could see. But it came back to her later, when she was too exhausted to fight it. For now, though, she had things under control. It was getting a little harder to hold herself together, but she was needed to get through this on her own. She was powerless to stop anything down in the basement; she never should have let him take her down there. She knew better. So, this she needed to get through on her own, to reconcile it with herself. But if it got too out of control, she knew, she would have to talk to someone before her job suffered.

***

"Liv."

"Liv, wake up."

Olivia was asleep at her desk when Elliot came in to grab a case file he had forgotten. It was well past midnight, and everyone had left the station hours ago. Everyone except Olivia, it seemed. He didn't want to wake her; she looked peaceful, and he knew from the increasingly dark bags under her eyes that she hadn't been sleeping much. But he also knew that the squad room was not the best place to sleep, because falling asleep at your desk only led to a horrible backache the next day. So, he went over and gently began to shake her shoulder.

"Wake up, Liv. I'll take you home."

Olivia started as he grabbed her shoulder. "Let me go!" she shouted, yanking her arm from his grasp.

"Liv, it's just me!" Elliot was shocked and concerned at her reaction and most especially the look on her face; her eyes were glazed over and her jaw was set in fear-filled determination. It was as if she wasn't even there, like she was completely unaware of her surroundings. "Liv, are you alright?" he asked, but he didn't touch her for fear of frightening her again.

As she began to wake up and realize where she was and what had happened, she relaxed a little. "Sorry, El. I was...sorry. I guess I just fell asleep."

"You sure you're alright?" he asked. He was worried; the way she looked...she looked like a victim.

She could see he was concerned. Of course he was, she had just freaked out on him...he wasn't going to let this go. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. What time is it anyways?"

"Quarter to one." She was lying and changing the subject. He sighed. "Let me take you home."

"Alright, just let me grab my stuff." There was no way he would've let her go home alone after her outburst. She scolded herself for falling asleep in the squad room, where this was bound to happen. There was no avoiding it now though. He was going to take her home no matter what, so she knew it would work out more in her favor if she didn't argue. Hopefully he wouldn't be too persistent in trying to figure out what was up. In any case, she would appreciate his company for the time being. It was nice to not be alone this late, especially when the nightmare she was having was still fresh in her mind. At least now she felt safe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Please read & review! Hopefully it picked up a bit for you this chapter, and please let me know if I should continue! Hope you enjoy! :)**

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They spent most of the drive in silence. Not an awkward silence, but not their usual comfortable silence either. It was heavy with worry on Elliot's end, and full of memories on Olivia's. When they got there Elliot got out of the car as well, Olivia wasn't the least bit surprised, and she was entirely too tired to argue.

"I'll walk you up," he said. He wanted to be sure she got up okay, and at the same time he wanted to look around her place for anything suspicious. He really was worried about her, or he never would've even thought of doing that.

"Come on in. I'll make some coffee," she offered, hoping he would refuse while a small part of her hoped he wouldn't. And he didn't.

"Tea sound okay?" As they walked in he glanced toward her bedroom. The door was open and the bed was made; it didn't look like she'd slept in it in a while.

"Sounds fine, I'll go ahead and start a pot." She walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a kettle out of the cupboard and filled it with water.

While grabbing a couple of mugs out of another cabinet Elliot said, "Since when did you start making your bed? I thought you always said there was no point in making it just to mess it up again when you got home because no one would be there to see it made." It was a loaded statement in that it was true, and they both knew she hadn't been sleeping. He wasn't blunt, though, because she wouldn't respond to that. She probably wouldn't open up to this either, but it was worth a try. It was all he could do to try to get her to talk to him.

He was trying to get her to talk to him, but she wouldn't. This was her mess to deal with, and that's precisely what she would do. The last person she needed to find out about this was him. "Yeah, that was my opinion, but lately I've just felt like making my bed. I dunno, maybe I've had a change of heart." She gave a small smile. A pregnant silence followed that was interrupted by the whistling of the kettle.

As they drank the tea they both enjoyed the sort of small talk that could make Elliot pretend nothing had happened between them and could make Olivia pretend nothing had happened to her. But eventually the tea ran out and it became harder to pretend as the normality disappeared and reality set in. Elliot could tell it was time for him to go, but he wasn't going to leave without one last shot at getting Olivia to open up.

The tea was gone and Olivia knew the night was almost over, and she sensed that Elliot knew it too. But he hadn't moved to get up yet and looked like he was considering something. She waited patiently, suspiciously, until he said what she was afraid of.

"Look, Liv, you and I both know something happened in the basement. And you know I know, so why are you still lying to me? I just want to...be there for you. Why won't you let me in?" It was a risk, and he knew it, but he _had _to try.

What he said wasn't unexpected or even unusual for him in this kind of situation, but for some reason she couldn't quite put her finger on it made her angry, and she wanted to yell at him but she didn't know what to say.

Then, before she even knew what she was saying, she replied coolly, "I wouldn't want you to have to be constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure I'm okay."

She regretted it instantly. The hurt in her eyes was almost too much to bear. _"But he deserved it,"_ she thought. _"He never should've said that in the first place if he didn't mean it."_ It had hurt her when he said it, and now she was hurting him back. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about that, but nothing could be done about it now. Just like what he said to her, this too could not be taken back. So she broke eye contact, took the mugs, and started cleaning them in the sink.

_"I wouldn't want you to have to be constantly looking over your should to make sure I'm okay_._"_ The memory came flooding back to him like a thousand needles piercing his skin at once. He had regretted it the instant he said it, but knew that he could never take it back. And in that instant he wished he hadn't tried at all, if only to avoid this hurt. Obviously there was no way she was ever going to talk to him, and it was entirely his fault. And it hurt so much. Stung, he got up from the table and headed to the door. There was no point in staying now; he was just intruding. He hesitated at the door, trying to think of anything he could say, anything at all, that could fix this. All he could come up with was, "I'm sorry." It came out much feebler than he'd intended, and much quieter than he expected, to the point where he wasn't sure if she heard it. And then he left without looking back. He didn't deserve to. He had already caused enough harm.

She turned around when she heard him say, very quietly, "I'm sorry." As she turned the door was already closing on him. He had sounded so...sincere, and so sad. She wasn't sure, though, if it was enough, because it still hurt her to this day. It still affected her, more than she had previously thought. Because after her outburst she began to wonder why she was keeping what happened in the basement a secret. She thought it was because she needed to deal with it on her own to reconcile with herself what happened. Now, she wasn't so sure...

For now, though, she was going to brave sleep. Despite the near certainty of nightmares, she couldn't keep her eyes open another second if she tried. And she didn't want to stay awake anymore, because now she felt like crap and was doubting herself. She sighed, locked her door, and went to bed.

***

Elliot continued to watch Olivia closely but he didn't try to talk to her again. He would look out for her as best he could, but he didn't dare attempt to get her to talk again; the last thing he wanted to do was cause her more pain. The following day she came in looking as tired as ever, but thankfully she didn't look any worse. She seemed determined to ignore what happened last night, and so he followed her lead, even though he didn't entirely want to. He felt guilty, like the reason why she felt she had to deal with whatever was going on by herself was his fault. Maybe that was a little selfish, but...that's how it felt.

Olivia decided to just act like nothing happened. It would just make things simpler, because he would doubtless do the same. Plus, she had more to worry about; other people in the precinct were starting to pay more attention to the way she was acting. Munch had already teased her about "trying out the raccoon look" because her eyes had become so dark. She was able to chuckle her way out of a confrontation, but she knew it wouldn't be the last time. Fin had started sending her furtive glances, like he wanted to talk, but she kept ignoring them. The only thing that hadn't happened yet was for Cragen to confront her. She knew it was only a matter of time before he, too, started questioning her.

As the week progressed, her emotions, the flashbacks, and especially the nightmares were all getting harder to resist. At night she now slept with the lights on (when she slept at all) and she had found herself slipping into flashbacks at work. It had only happened once on the field, and luckily she was able to fight it off fast enough so that Elliot hardly noticed. But whenever she was at her desk and started to daydream a little, she would get flashes of what happened in the basement. And not only Elliot, but also Fin and Munch had all noticed it at least once. She was going to have to stop this soon if she was ever going to get them off her case. But she was getting so tired of fighting...this, she knew, was part of the problem. But she was determined to conquer this on her own. She didn't want to admit to herself that she needed to talk to someone for this, or that she needed to cope at all. "_Nothing really happened," _she thought. _"Nothing happened so I shouldn't need to talk to anyone. This is just ridiculous, to react like this. He didn't even rape me. Nothing happened." _Denial. The word came to her from experience with victims. _"But I'm not a victim! Nothing even happened!"_

***

It was late Wednesday night when Munch got a call from Fin. He was drunk and needed a ride home. It wouldn't have been unusual if only it were Friday night. He sighed and went over to help out a friend. When he got there, Fin had ordered another drink, which was half empty.

"What're you doing? Work's going to be hell for you tomorrow, you know." Fin mumbled something unintelligible in response, threw down a few dollars, and walked out of the bar with Munch, who asked, "So what's up? What's got you drinking on a Wednesday night?" Munch didn't really expect much of a surprising answer. It had been a tough week so far, and it was only Wednesday. But what Fin actually said definitely peaked his attention.

"It's my fault she's like this. My...my fault she can't sleep. Shoulda been there."

"Who're you talking about Fin?" He already had an inkling. After all, it was him who went undercover with Liv...

"In the basement" was all he said.

They had reached Fin's apartment and Munch pulled over. "Fin, what happened in the basement?"

Fin shrugged a little. "His pants...were down."S all I really know..." He started to trail off.

Munch helped Fin up to his apartment with his mine buzzing. _"His pants were down?" _he thought. _"This may be more serious than I'd imagined.... She couldn't possibly have been...no, he wouldn't even think it. Not unless he were sure it was true. But he had to find out. There was no way she should be left to her own means to deal with this....Whatever it was, it seemed pretty serious."_

Munch's thoughts were interrupted when, at the door, Fin said, "Don't...tell Liv. I promised." Unfortunately, Munch wasn't too sure he'd be keeping that promise if he learned that something had happened that the Captain needed to know about, not just for Olivia's job, but for herself.

***

The next day, Munch had decided to take a trip up to Sealview. After getting clearance, he took a look around the basement and, in short time, found what he was looking for. There was a security camera in the far left hand corner. It was nearly obscured by the crates piled in front of it, but the lens was still unobstructed.

Noticing what he was looking at, the female guard who accompanied him said, "That was put in a while back. This used to be used for high security prisoners but the cells have since been removed. It's just storage down here now."

"Any chance it still records?" he asked, but not with much hope.

"Actually, yeah. They keep it on because we've had some things stolen here in the past, but nobody really checks it. Like I said, it's just storage. If anything goes missing, they check it out. But it's been a long time since anything was stolen."

Luck, it seemed, was on his side. "Would it be possible for me to see one of those tapes?"

"Sure, just give me the date." They headed upstairs and Munch gave her the day Olivia came out from undercover. After fast-forwarding through hours of nothing, Munch found what he was looking for.

He was shocked, appalled, angry, worried and concerned by everything he saw. But he was also relieved that Harris was stopped. _"Fin barely made it. Ten more seconds and she would've...."_ This was definitely too serious to keep to himself. What was affecting Olivia so negatively was in all likely hood only going to get worse, and for her sake she needed to get help, whether she wanted to or not. She couldn't handle this on her own. He wouldn't expect anyone to be able to, not even Olivia, who was so strong, and who looked so broken. That was it. That was the thing about Olivia recently that he couldn't put his finger on. She was broken and fighting to regain control and normalcy. She was broken.

He headed over to the precinct and was glad Olivia wasn't there. He wanted to tell the captain first. He needed to know, so they could figure out how to handle this. It wasn't going to be easy to get Olivia to talk. _"And later,"_ he thought_ "I'm going to have a bone to pick with Fin._" He walked into Cragen's office.

He held up the tape and said, "Captain, you're going to want to see this."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I hope you all enjoy this chapter! I'm sorry it's not longer, but I've got to get some sleep. Anyways, I really hope you like it and thank you to my reviewers! Please continue to read and review! **

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"Captain, you're going to want to see this."

"What is it, Munch?" He asked, expecting to get another case.

"It's from Sealview," he said. "From the basement."

Cragen just stared at him for a moment, first in confusion as to how and why he got that tape, then with worry about what was on it that he needed to see and, finally, with comprehension as to why Olivia had been acting weird. Something happened; she wasn't just beaten. And somehow, this had slipped past him. He mentally kicked himself, then nodded to Munch and left with him to go to the room where they had the TV that they normally watched tapes on.

Elliot had been at his desk when Munch went into the Captain's office. Upon hearing the word 'Sealview' and Munch and Cragen head towards the TV room with a tape, he hastily followed them. He had a hunch as to what that tape was, and this was his chance to finally find out. The thought briefly crossed his mind that this was wrong and that they should wait for Olivia to tell them, but he brushed it aside, feeling that it was in her best interest that they be there for her with full knowledge of what happened. With everything that had happened these last few weeks between him and Liv, he was sure it wasn't just a few punches she had taken down in the basement.

When Elliot entered the room after them Munch simply said, "You should probably see this too, Elliot. It's about Liv..."

His suspicions confirmed, Elliot prepared himself for whatever the tape would reveal. No matter what, his only goal was to be there for Olivia in any way he could...though, now that he thought about it, she probably wouldn't want him there.... _"I wouldn't want you to have to be constantly looking over your should to make sure I'm okay." _He winced. He really had a way of screwing things up some times.

Munch almost didn't want to have to watch it again. The first time was, in truth, more than enough. How many times do you really need to see the strongest woman you know running, hiding, _fighting_ for her life, fighting for that which was only hers to give and no one's to take? Seeing her trapped, frightened, beaten and broken. It was more than enough to see it only once. It never should've happened. Not to her. Not to anyone.

Elliot hated what he was seeing. It stirred something deep inside him, a boiling pit of anger and hatred. But somehow, that wasn't the emotion that overpowered him. On the contrary, what he felt most was a very strong pain, a deep sadness. Olivia did not deserve this. She dedicated her life to helping people in these kinds of situations. And yet there she was, experiencing it herself. She just did not deserve this. No one does. She was so frightened. She fought hard, she _really_ fought hard. But it didn't matter. She had nothing, he had a nightstick. She did all she could. Nobody would have expected anymore from her. _"And yet she's still blaming herself. For getting overpowered. It's ridiculous. She shouldn't have to feel that way. She has no reason to."_ He wasn't rebuking her. He just never wanted her to feel that way, ever. It's simply not true. And he wanted her to know it. _"And she didn't deserve to feel that way because some asshole decided to try to take what wasn't his to take. I hope he rots in jail, because if he ever gets out, I'll kill him."_ He continued to watch as she elbowed him and ran, hiding...

***

On her way into the precinct, Olivia looked even more tired than the day before. What was more, she looked emotionally beaten as well, like she couldn't fight what she had been fighting for so long: the flashbacks, the nightmares, the fear and self-blame. In fact, she couldn't fight anymore. Not today. The nightmares were getting worse, going further than reality, worse than reality, and it was harder for her to fight off the flashbacks even without stimulus. She felt like she was in a daze, a never-ending series of broken images from a time she never wanted to remember. What was worse was she was far too deep in it now to work up the courage to tell anyone else; she was much too ashamed of how much it was affecting her, and how she couldn't stop him in the first place.... She's a trained police officer who couldn't overpower a guard. She couldn't stand to even think of it. _"I'm weak. I can't even defend myself. If anyone else knew, they'd never look at me the same. And I wouldn't blame them, because I can't even see myself the same...."_

When she walked into the squad room she found it odd to find none of her fellow detectives at her desk and, through the open door, she could see that the captain was not in his office. Then she noticed a light on in the TV room and saw that the door was open. Figuring they had gotten another case, she set down her things and began to make her way over. As she got closer, she heard what sounded like a scuffle of some sort coming from the TV. No one noticed as she entered the doorway behind the two detectives and the captain. She froze upon seeing what they were watching. First, a wave of flashbacks washed over her, causing her to get a sinking feeling that made it hard to stand. She felt sick. Then, something else entirely began to make its way up from the pit of her stomach. They were watching her shame, her humiliation, her ultimate weakness. They watched as she struggled and failed to hold him off. And, in her mind, they mocked her. They mocked her powerlessness, she was so weak. _"They can't see this. They can't see me this way. He kissed me, he touched me, he very nearly fucked me, and all because I was too WEAK! I can't let them see this. I can't let them see this. I can't see this."_ She was freaking out. She couldn't stand it.

"STOP!" she yelled, nearly screamed. It happened in quick succession. Before she knew what she was doing, before any of the others could react, she had darted forward, pulled the plug on the TV, and began trying to yank the tape from the VCR.

When he had regained his footing, Elliot grabbed Olivia to stop her from violently pulling out the tape. Cragen, too, grabbed tried to pry her hands from the tape. Both men instantly wished they hadn't. Olivia, who was already very far into vivid flashbacks from the video and was further emotionally vulnerable from the scene that had unfolded when she walked in the door, began to freak out even more.

The touch of the two men had sparked something that seemed to her to bridge the gap between flashback and reality. And suddenly, in her head, she was back in the basement and he was trying to hold her down, trying to have his way with her. _"Not this time," _she thought. _"I won't let you overpower me this time_._"_ She was oblivious to what was really happening as she yanked herself from the grasp of Elliot and the captain, elbowing the former, who was behind her, directly in the gut. And she continued to hit him, all the time repeating, "Not this time. I won't let you! No, no, no no!"

Elliot didn't know what to do. He didn't want to grab her again, he didn't want to hurt or frighten her any further. He felt horrible. All he could do was yell her name. And he let her hit him, because he deserved it and she deserved it and he didn't want her to hurt anymore, and this was all he could think to do. He was frozen.

Cragen, however, was much quicker to react. He grabbed Olivia's shoulders and Munch, following his lead, grabbed her arms and held them by her side. "Olivia," he said, looking her directly in the eye. "Olivia, it's me. It's Captain Cragen. Calm down, Olivia. You're safe. No one's going to hurt you, Liv. You're ok. Come back to us, Liv."

Slowly, and with much coaxing, Olivia began to realize where she was. And what she had done, how she had acted. And again, she was ashamed. "I'm...sorry," she said, so feebly that Munch, Elliot, and Cragen were all caught off guard. And she did the only thing she could think of. She fled. She ran across the squad room and out of the precinct. And she kept running, all the way back to her apartment. She had to get out of there, away from what she had spent so long avoiding. She was humiliated beyond measure. She couldn't face them. Not now. She reached her apartment, closed the door behind her, and broke down completely. Everything she'd kept in, everything she'd hidden, tried to forget, to deny, to reconcile, all fell to the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This chapter is really short, I'm sorry! I'm feeling very uninspired =/ (Maybe more reviews will motivate me to write!) Anyways, I hope you enjoy despite the overall lack of, well, great depth to this chapter. Missing: inspiration! Let me know if you find it! :(**

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None of them, not Munch, Cragen, or even Elliot, had ever seen her like that. Never. Not even close. They were all stunned, frozen in place. It was as if the world had shifted, and everything that should never be was, and Olivia who was always outwardly strong had been turned inside out, except her strength wasn't on the inside. It had disappeared.

Munch couldn't think straight. All he wanted to do was help her, but he felt like somehow all he did was make things much worse. He hated seeing her like that. And now, he felt like he was part of the reason for it.

Elliot, too, seemed to be glued to the spot. He was shocked and felt so horrible. She was always so strong. _So_ strong. And here, reduced to fragility from the hands of some scum. _"It just wasn't fair,"_ Elliot thought. _"He had taken something from her, that inner strength that was always amazing and fundamental about Olivia."_ And suddenly he was consumed by one final goal: to help Olivia find her strength again, to find herself again, no matter what it takes. This decided, Elliot moved to run after her, but Cragen put an arm out.

"What are you doing, Cap? She needs someone, we can't just let her go like that!" he yelled.

"We'll go, Elliot, but let her have some time first. Let her calm down. We just need to give her a chance to compose herself, then we'll talk to her."

"What are you talking about? We can't leave her alone, not like that!" He was nearly pleading this time, anger on the verge of boiling over his concern for Olivia.

Suddenly very stern, Cragen replied, "I think the last thing that needs to be done right now is running straight over to her apartment and making her feel like we don't think she's strong enough to be alone. The _last_ thing we need to do, Stabler, is injure her pride anymore than it already is."

Of course he was right, but that did not mean that Elliot still didn't want to go after her anyway. Elliot sighed, resigned to wait a while before seeking out Olivia, and Cragen finally lowered his arm.

***

Fin had been running late for work that morning. He had a slight hangover from the night before, so he was moving slower than normal. After not sleeping much, he decided that things with Olivia seemed to have gone too far and it was time he told Cragen about what he saw. He was really worried about Olivia, and he wanted to get her help sooner rather than later. _"Last time I was almost too late.... I can't make that mistake again."_

As he approached the precinct, he saw Olivia run out of the building. She looked upset even from a distance. When she got closer he saw that she was hysterical. "Liv!" he called, but she didn't seem to hear or even see him. A surge of guilt poured over him as he realized he was already too late, again. _"Dammit!"_ he thought, then rushed up to the squad room to find out what had happened.

***

When the door to the squad room opened once again, both detectives Stabler and Munch and captain Cragen looked up, hoping without reason that Olivia had come back. When Fin instead walked through the door, they were all more than a little disappointed, and both Munch and Cragen felt a flair of anger as they realized that he was the one who had kept the knowledge of Olivia's attack from them.

"What's going on, Cap? What was wrong with Liv?"

"I'm not sure, maybe you can tell us. But really I'd like to know is why I wasn't told that one of my detectives was sexually assaulted!" There was real, cool anger in Cragen's voice that made even Munch shift in his spot.

"Cap, I..." Fin began, trailing off. "She asked me to keep it quiet, so I did. I don't really know what happened. All I saw a was him with his dick out and Liv cuffed to a door."

"You saw enough then, didn't you?" It wasn't Cragen this time, but Munch who replied coolly.

Stabler and Cragen, who had not gotten that far into the tape, were both stunned. "It...it got that far?" Elliot asked. "Jesus..." Elliot then put the tape in and was surprised that no real damage was done. He pressed play and watched as Harris first dry-humped Olivia from behind as she was pushed up against a wall, and he saw her screaming for her help and trying and failing to fight back. He continued to watch when she made a bolt for the door and ended up getting cuffed to it instead. Even from the distance of the camera, he could see the look of pure terror on her face. It was the look of someone being faced with and bound experiencing the thing they were most afraid of. He had felt that fear before. He felt it when he almost lost Eli, Kathy, and Olivia multiple times; that fear is something you don't quickly forget. And for Olivia, it was a fear on some many more levels. She was afraid of becoming like her mother, of being too weak, being unable to do her job because and thus losing everything she had, not to mention the basic fear of being violated and raped. He could understand why she wanted to keep this a secret. He understood, but he just wouldn't let her. He couldn't let her go through that alone. He _wouldn't_.

"So what're we going to do, Cap?" Elliot asked. He was anxious to have a plan to help Liv.

Cragen thought for a while. "We have to keep this off the books if at all possible. It won't look good if IAB ever investigates Liv. But if we have to do something on paper to get her help, then that's what's most important. We'll talk to her tomorrow when she comes back in."

"And if she doesn't come back in?" asked Munch.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," Cragen replied.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Again, a bit of a short chapter, for which I apologize. Hope you all enjoy it! Please continue to R&R, I really appreciate all the reviews! Thanks for reading! :)**

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**Chapter 5 **

It had been another difficult night. Liv had spent hours just sitting on the floor, crying at first, then, when she couldn't cry anymore, just sitting there, thinking. She thought about everything that had happened in the basement, everything she had let happen, all the things she didn't prevent but could have. She thought of how she had only humiliated herself further in the place where she was most afraid of doing so. She thought of how much she wished she could've talked to Elliot about this as if nothing had ever happened between them, as if it were just like old times. And as much as she wanted to be able to talk to Elliot, she wished even more that she had been strong enough to take this secret of her weakness with her to the grave. If only she had succeeded in not allowing it to affect her. But she had failed. She had let something that was so small compared to rape affect her so greatly, and she would never forgive herself.

Eventually her body was too tired to stay awake, despite the constant whirring of thoughts in her head. And so she drifted into a sleep that was anything but peaceful and far from restful. When she awoke in the morning she had slid sideways against the wall and was lying in a sort of fetal position against it. It took her a second to remember where she was after having spent her sleep in the basement with Harris. She stood up and stretched her stiff back, wondering what she would do about work. She figured if she stayed here, they would only come anyways, so there was no point in trying to avoid it that way. She really had no choice, then, but to go into work as normal. When Cragen called her into his office, as he surely would, she would just ask him to give her another chance at working this out herself. He probably would make her go home, but she needed to work and was going to do all she could to convince him of that.

With this vague plan in mind and determined to carry it out in her best interest, Olivia got into the shower and began to get ready to head to work. It was going to be an interesting day, to say the least. She remembered them all, standing their, watching that tape.... It was going to be difficult to dodge all of their questions, and even more so the sideways glances they were sure to throw her way. As she showered, she prepared herself for what was sure to be a very bad day.

***

Olivia was running late and Elliot was afraid she wasn't going to come. Him, Munch, Fin, and Cragen had hashed out a plan to talk to Liv and try to help her. They decided that she would probably come to work because she knew they'd come to her apartment anyways; there was no way they were just going to let this go. Cragen had said that it would be best if they got her to talk to a professional after what had happened yesterday, but that it was really important to keep it off the books. It really mattered to Olivia and, equally important, it would look good if IAB ever came poking around to see that she was seeing a therapist for experiencing sexual assault.

So they called Huang, hoping he would do them a favor and drop by later and talk to Liv, off the record. Cragen explained to him over the phone everything that had been happening with Liv, everything they saw on the tape, and the chaos that ensued when Liv caught them watching it. Upon hearing all this, Huang agreed that she definitely needed to talk to a professional, and that he would do his best to help her. However, he did say that if she didn't respond to him he would have no choice but to refer her to someone else, on the books.

The intention was for Huang to be in Cragen's office when Olivia got there, but he was running late and hadn't yet come when Olivia walked into the squad room. She walked in, set her stuff down at her desk, and headed straight to Cragen's office without saying a word. Fin, Munch, and Elliot were all extremely tempted to follow her into the office. Munch and Fin were held back, though, to give Liv some space to just talk with the Captain one-on-one first, before Huang got there. Elliot, however, was not as ready to stay back and wait. So, after a few moments' hesitation, he headed towards the office door. Seeing Elliot, Munch and Fin felt less guilty in following him into the office as well.

***

Olivia walked into the squad room feeling very self-conscious. She was extremely exhausted and wasn't feeling up to the sort of emotional fight she expected to be faced with multiple times today. She was afraid even the slightest thing might send her into a pool of flashbacks that would completely obscure reality, and the last thing she wanted was a repeat of what happened yesterday. She took a deep breath, laid her bag and coat on her desk chair, and walked straight into Cragen's office. She wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

Cragen was a little surprised and caught of guard when Olivia walked into his office. Huang wasn't their yet, and he wasn't really sure what to do without upsetting Olivia. He didn't want to put her through anything more than she had already been through. He tried to sound as normal as possible when he asked, "Why didn't you tell me what happened in the basement?"

For some reason, she wasn't ready for that question. She had expected him to just try to convince her, and maybe even order her, to talk to someone. But that question hit at a deeper point. To explain that she would have to tell him of how she feared losing her job, that she blamed herself for being led to what was obviously not the hole, and most of all for being weak: too weak to fight him off and too weak to deal with what had happened on her own. She struggled to find an answer without naming this, knowing he would see right through it. And she began to feel very cornered and her breath was coming in short gasps. And as she thought of how to explain how she felt and if she could even admit such things to her captain, she began to see the flashbacks more clearly than the office and Cragen. And when the door opened behind her she started, hoping it was a way out. Instead the other three detectives filed in behind her, closing the door behind them. Surrounded by all the people she had kept this a secret from and falling deeper and deeper into scenes of the basement, she felt very closed in. Trapped. They were all around her, the door was closed. She couldn't escape. She could hardly breathe now. Her vision was blurred. Suddenly, her breathing stopped altogether and she hit the floor.

The three detectives and the captain were stunned; they certainly didn't seem to be doing much good lately. Elliot rushed over to Olivia. After checking her pulse he said, "She's fine; I think she just passed out."

"Take her up to the cribs and lay her down," Cragen replied, relieved that nothing worse had happened, but still extremely worried.

Elliot took her in his arms and carried her upstairs, laying her carefully on one of the beds. She was still breathing heavily and had a painful expression on her face. He looked at her for a moment, wondering what had gone wrong.

As Elliot came back downstairs, Huang was coming into the squad room.

"Where's Liv?" asked Huang.

"Well...she just passed out," answered Cragen hesitantly.

"What do you mean? What happened?" he asked with concern. ]

"She came into my office and I asked her why she didn't tell me about the basement. She started getting fidgety and when these three came in behind her and closed the door," Cragen said, motioning at the Munch, Fin, and Elliot, "she visibly became more and more agitated, until she collapsed onto the floor."

Huang listened intently before replying, "You definitely shouldn't have confronted her like that, with all for of you in the room. She probably passed out from feeling claustrophobic; it's probable that she developed a touch of claustrophobia after being in the basement without being able to get out. Being trapped in a room with something your afraid causes a great deal of trauma in victims. This is sounding really serious; I'm glad you called me. I'll talk to her when she's awake. But it has to be alone." He added on that last part with a sweeping glance at the three detectives. "I really hope she talks to me, because from what you've told me I'm suspecting PTSD, which really has to be addressed before it becomes more serious. We may have already hit that point, though," he sighed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**A/N: Sorry for how long it took for me to update! It took me a while to build up the inspiration, but alas here it is! I really hope you all enjoy it! Thanks again to all my readers and reviewers and, please, continue to read and review! Enjoy! :)**

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"Where is she now?" Huang asked.

"I just carried her up to the crib. She's still out," Stabler replied.

Huang nodded. "I'm going to go up and wait for her to come to. Catching her off guard might make it easier for her to open up."

Cragen nodded in agreement, but Elliot said, "Maybe we should just give her some time to relax. Maybe wait to talk to her 'til tomorrow?"

"Elliot, I know you're concerned for Olivia, but the sooner this is done, the better. The more we let her put it off, the harder it's going to be on her. And she can't put it off forever. You know that," Huang replied.

Elliot nodded his head, resigned. He did know that. But he couldn't bear to think of Olivia being hurt anymore; he didn't want her to have to suffer through this anymore. But there was nothing he could do about it now; he certainly wasn't going to get her to talk to _him_ about it. Again, the words filled his head: _"I wouldn't want you to have to be constantly looking over your should to make sure I'm okay."_ There was so much resentment in her voice. He would never forget the way she said that, the way her eyes pierced him with cold. He shook the memory from his head and went over and sat at his desk without saying another word.

Huang watched Elliot for a second, wondering why Olivia hadn't told him anything. They were usually so close; they confided in each other, and that's how they got through some of the rougher cases. But Olivia hadn't told him anything, he knew....

His thoughts were interrupted when Cragen said, "Let me know how it went when you're done talking with Liv."

"Of course," replied Huang.

***

Huang had only been waiting in the crib for about fifteen minutes before Olivia began to stir. As she did, he prepared himself for what he was sure was going to a difficult battle of wills. Olivia was, he knew, not one to just spill her guts because she was put in a room alone with a shrink.

When Olivia awoke, it took her a while to remember what had happened. And once she had, she felt ashamed, even more so because this had been the best, uninterrupted sleep she had had in weeks. She could tell she was in the crib because the mattress just felt like a jumble of old springs. Still, she didn't want to open her eyes from it; more than anything she just wanted to drift off again, fade from consciousness, and just sleep. She was so tired. But already that feeling was returning, the once she got when she remembered what had happened to her, what she had allowed to happen, what everyone now knew about...the memories were flashing across her mind again. She couldn't stand it. She opened her eyes; she wasn't going to be getting any more rest.

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was Huang, sitting on the bed across from her, obviously waiting. The first thing she thought was _"Shit,"_ followed closely by, _"Maybe he didn't see me open my eyes; if I just pretend to be asleep for a while, maybe he'll leave. I'd rather deal with the flashbacks."_ She closed her eyes almost immediately, hoping he hadn't noticed.

"I know you're awake, Olivia," Huang said.

_"Dammit." _She opened her eyes reluctantly. "What're you doing here?" she asked flatly.

"Hello to you to," he replied kindly.

Olivia said nothing. She merely sat up in the bed and continued to look at him with her exhausted eyes, waiting for his answer.

"I think we both know why I'm here, Olivia," he said quietly.

"No, I don't think I do. Why don't you tell me?" Olivia replied somewhat testily. She really was not in the mood for this right now.

"I'm here because Captain Cragen asked me to be. He seems to think you need to talk to someone about what happened while you were undercover at Sealview. What do you think?" He was testing the waters, wary that she was liable to get pissed off at any given moment. She was thrown into a situation she had been trying to avoid for some time now; it would be expected of anyone in her place to be a little defensive.

"I don't think that what I think matters right now, or you wouldn't be here. No offense." She really wasn't trying to be rude; it's just that this was the last thing she expected, and the last thing she wanted.

"You look tired. Have you been having trouble sleeping?"

Ugh. There was no way she could answer this without indicating a reason for her inability to sleep. And she couldn't just say no, because it didn't take a very observant person to note the dark bags under her eyes.

"A bit," she replied gruffly.

"Have you been having flashbacks?"

"Not at all," she snapped back, somewhat sarcastically.

"All of your coworkers have said you haven't been yourself for weeks. You've been distant, testy, exhausted. And in the past two days you have had two episodes, one in which you repeatedly hit your partner and another in which you lost consciousness. Are you going to continue to tell me and everyone else that nothing's wrong?"

"That's the plan," she replied.

"Olivia, what happened in the basement?"

There. There it was. Something triggered inside her and she was filled with anger and shame. "You saw the tape, I'm sure. There's nothing more to say." Her voice was harsh and forcefully steadied.

"I didn't watch the tape," he answered, unwavering.

"Watch it; it'll tell you everything you need to know."

"No, I don't think it will. Why don't you tell me? What happened?"

She took a breath and answered with out emotion, "While I was undercover at Sealview Lowell Harris took me down to the basement and attempted to rape me. He was stopped when Detective Fin interrupted him." She could've been reading a case file from the way she said it.

"I don't want a police statement. I want you to tell me what happened, from your viewpoint."

"Oh, is that what you want? Well I'm not sure I have any reason to share that with you, or anyone else for that matter."

Huang's voice was stern now as he said, "Olivia, you have to talk to me, for your own good. And if that's not reason enough, then do it for your job. If I can't get you to talk to me like this, off the record, then I'm going to have to report you as unfit to do your job. Because right now, that's the decision I'm faced with. So it's up to you what happens next."

Olivia said nothing. Part of her wanted to get up and walk out of the precinct. However, the larger part of her knew he was telling the truth. And she was tired. And she was weak. She didn't have the will to fight anymore. She sighed.

Huang watched as Olivia clearly struggled with whether or not she wanted to just leave. Part of her wished she had left, if only because as she sighed resignedly she looked even more broken than before, and it would've killed anyone who knew her to see her like that.

"He said he was taking me to the hole," she began. "I should've known better than to go with him. He didn't even go towards the hole. But I went anyways."

"There was nothing you could've done," Huang interrupted her. "You can't blame yourself for that, you know that. You were in handcuffs and chains, under the guise of a prisoner. If you had tried to fight it would've only made things worse. It was not you fault."

She hardly acknowledged what he said. _"It _was_ my fault," _she thought. _"I should've known better...I should've...."_

He could see in her eyes the self-reproach, the shame, the pure sadness. It was a painful sight to see, for someone so strong. She was being extremely harsh on herself; it was part of her personality. But in this situation, it only made things worse.

Before he could say anymore, though, she continued, "When I saw the mattress, I knew without a doubt what his intentions were. I was frightened. Very frightened. There was no back up. No way for me to get out. So I fought. I fought as hard as I could, but he still threw me onto the bed just as he had countless women. I could feel him moving against me. I felt sick. I remember hearing myself scream, and how much the sound of it scared me. I kicked him in the groin and got away for a second. But the door was locked. The door was locked and there was no way for me to escape him. I...I began to lose hope. I tried to fight him, to beat him unconscious. I failed. I wasn't strong enough." _"I was too weak," _she thought. "He handcuffed me to the door. I kept screaming, knowing no one would come, knowing I was only seconds away from being raped." _"I was seconds away from becoming my mother." _"He unbuckled his pants and...revealed himself to me. I...I couldn't take it. I just kept screaming and hearing myself scream. I was...I was so afraid. So disgusted. So..." _"...powerless. Weak. Defeated. Defiled. Destroyed." _

There was a long, heavy pause. "Then Fin came. He saved me. Another instant and...." She had been staring at the floor the entire time. She felt sick. She was shaking. As she told the story, everything played over again in her mind. When Huang put his hand on her knee, she started and winced. He quickly removed it.

"It wasn't your fault, Liv," he said, full of compassion.

Olivia didn't say anything as a single tear fell down her cheek to the floor. She didn't look up. And she didn't believe him. And the fact that she was even more like a victim in blaming herself only pissed her off more.

"I think I need to go home," she said abruptly, standing up. She was surprised to find that her legs were very weak and was very dizzy.

Huang stood as she did, and seeing her swaying on her feet, he grabbed her arm to steady her, fearful that she might fall or pass out again. "You should have someone drive you home," he said.

She nodded and began they made their way downstairs. Olivia watched the floor as she walked. She could feel the many pairs of eyes on her and didn't want to make contact with any of them.

Huang said to Elliot quietly, "Do you mind taking her home?"

"Yeah, sure thing," Elliot said, without hesitation. He grabbed his coat and keys and they turned to leave.

"Wait, one more thing Olivia," Huang said. He grabbed a pad out of his pocket; it looked like prescription notes.

"I don't need anything, doc," Olivia said quickly.

He continued writing the prescription. "It'll help you sleep," he said, holding out the prescription for her to take.

"No, thanks. Really," she replied.

He pushed the paper into her hand. "You're exhausted; I know you've hardly slept at all, and definitely not restfully. You need to sleep, Olivia. The flashbacks are only going to get worse if you don't sleep," he said quietly so only she could hear. He was worried about her. She was so physically and emotionally exhausted; it was written all over her body. She couldn't keep going like that.

She nodded slightly, but still looked disapprovingly at the prescription as she walked towards the door. Huang turned to Elliot. "Make sure she gets that filled," he said when she was out of earshot. "And don't push her anymore tonight. She's had enough. I'm sure you understand."

Elliot nodded and looked over at Olivia and his heart broke at how defeated she looked. _"She's had more than enough,"_ he thought.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**A/N: Okay, hope it was worth the wait! As always, please read and review! I really do love reading them; they tend to brighten my day, as well as encourage me to update faster ;) Enjoy! :)**

Olivia felt sick. _"It's common for victims of sexual assault to feel nauseous after talking about what happened to them_,_" _she thought. _"But I'm not a fucking victim! I'm a cop! I shouldn't be acting so damn WEAK!" _The elevator ride down only made her feel worse. As soon as it stopped, she half-walked half-jogged out of the building and threw up in the grass.

Elliot didn't say anything as they rode in the elevator; Liv looked like she was deep in thought. When the elevator stopped and he saw her hurriedly leave the building, he quickly followed after her to find her getting sick around the corner in the grass.

"Liv, are you alright?" he asked in the subtly passionate tone that she had grown accustomed to hearing him use with her. _"And," _she thought with a pang, _"with the victims."_ Elliot pulled her hair back, but when he felt her tense up, he let go, making a mental note that he really needed to be careful how he touched her.

"I'm fine," she answered tartly. "Just a little nauseous." She stood and, feeling slightly better, began walking toward his car.

They drove in silence, which Olivia appreciated. She was having trouble staying awake and every time her eyes closed, even if only for a second, she saw him standing there, carrying his police stick and cornering her, coming closer every time she drifted off a little.

After about five minutes Olivia noticed that he wasn't driving towards her apartment.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "You missed a turn a few blocks back."

"To the pharmacy, to get your prescription filled," he answered frankly.

"El," she began exasperatedly. "I don't need it. I'm just ready to go home. I can get it filled tomorrow or something."

"You and I both know you aren't planning on filling that prescription. So I'm making you."

"I don't need it, Elliot!" she said, more firmly. "Please, just take me home...." She was ready to get out of the car.

"What's it for? Just to help you sleep? There's no shame in not being able to sleep, Liv.... It's just part of the job. Everybody can't sleep sometimes."

_"Unless it wasn't the job that did this to me. Unless it was my own fault. There's plenty of shame in that,"_ she thought.

It was as if he had read her mind. "Even if," he added, "the job is what got you hurt, and that's why you can't sleep. Even then, there's no shame." He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, the best eye contact he could make since he was driving.

What he said hit home. And for a second, for the first time since leaving that basement, the guilt and shame that had knotted itself up in her chest and had been continuously pulsing and aching, lessened slightly. And though small, that minute amount of relief felt amazing among all the pain she had been in.

It was short-lived. Because then she saw him standing there, with all of her coworkers and her captain, watching that tape. Watching her fail, her weakness, her fear. She cringed inwardly.

Before she could stop herself, or even realizing what she was saying, she asked, "Why did you watch the tape, Elliot? Why did you all watch it?"

He was caught off guard. She sounded so sad. He had never heard her sound that sad, that hurt, defeated, and...vulnerable. And that was exactly how she had looked when she saw them watching that tape. When she walked in on them, she had a look on her face akin to one a little girl might have if she caught someone reading her diary. Because those moments on the tape, those images of vulnerability, fear, and what he was sure she'd see as weakness, were her innermost emotions. The ones she blocked everyone from ever seeing; they were all her own to deal with. Up until they saw that tape, that is. They had all broken in by force and seen what no one, _especially_ not them, was ever supposed to see, or even know about.

He opened his mouth to say something, to apologize, to explain, but she cut him off. "Nevermind, El. Forget about it." She was done talking; that much was clear.

The silence that filled the car the rest of the way to the pharmacy wasn't the comfortable silence of before. After Olivia filled her prescription, they continued the last part of the drive in further silence. Elliot walked her up to her apartment to make sure she got in okay.

Then, as he turned to leave, he hesitated before turning around again to face her, saying, "We were worried about you. I _am_ worried about you. And you weren't talking to anyone. I can understand why you didn't tell me...but what about anyone else? You didn't tell anyone...but we could all tell you weren't ok.... That's why we watched the tape. Maybe it was still wrong for us to go behind your back and invade your privacy like that. But maybe it wasn't. Because we all did it out of care for you, and I don't think that's wrong. I'm sorry for how it must have made you feel to see us watching that tape...and I'm sorry you felt you couldn't talk to me about what happened. I'm your partner. I'm supposed to be there for you. But I wasn't. I wasn't there in Sealview, and I wasn't there afterward for you to talk to me...and I certainly wasn't there when I told you I couldn't keep looking behind my back to make sure you're okay. I'm sorry. I never should've said that. But you should know I never meant it. Not even for a second. I realize that doesn't make up for anything but.... Well, I'm sorry for that. But I'm not sorry for caring about you enough to do anything to make sure you were okay, including watching that tape. And now I know you're not okay....and there's nothing I can do about it, because you won't let me in. And that's my fault. I'm your partner, and I made it so you can't count on me. I'm sorry. So I understand you didn't want me to know what I found out from that tape, and that you don't want me to know anything else. So, I'm sorry, but I'm always going to be here."

Having thus shared everything with her that he had been planning to say over the entire drive, ever since she asked that question, he turned and left, closing the door behind him. He could only hope that she wouldn't hate him because of it.

Olivia had no idea how she felt, or what exactly it was that she was feeling. Hurt, sorrow, guilt, and even anger were all there, on top a new wave of nausea. She didn't have the strength to try to process what had just happened, or how it made her felt. She slid down the wall, head in hands, tears streaming down her face, sobbing quietly. She marveled at how one man could make her feel the best and the worst she'd felt in weeks in just an hour's time.

Through her fingers she saw the bag with her pills in it on the floor next to her. They were a reminder of how much she had failed at controlling her own emotions. Furious, she hit the bag with her hand and watched it fly across the floor before slamming into the wall. The small crash was somehow satisfying.

She didn't have the will to move. She laid down on her back right there on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and watching as the millions of darts started to form outlines of a man with a stick...she drifted in and out of uneasy sleep, but the series of images were continuous. In waking and in sleeping, there was no escape...she was, still, trapped. She began to exude a cold sweat. She was dizzy and thought that, even if she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to stand up. She had never felt like this before...she hardly felt like she was really there, in her body. She had no idea how much time had passed. A minute? An hour? Days? It felt like forever. It felt like no time at all. And all the while there was a man. He was chasing her, and then touching her in ways he had no right to touch her. He was pushing his body against hers, again and again, and she could feel..._him_. And then she could feel him inside her mouth.... She tried to dispel the flashback. _"This didn't really happen,"_ she thought. _"He didn't get this far....this didn't happen."_ She knew this hadn't really happened, but that knowledge did nothing to stop the illusion, or the gagging feeling she was getting in her mouth.

She was crying. She felt (or imagined to feel) her pants being pulled down, and he entered her. It felt as if her heart stopped. _"This didn't happen. It's just a hallucination. This didn't happen...this isn't real!" _she told herself, but she soon loss that last sense of reality that she had been grasping at, and her breathing was shallow as she felt as if she were being raped... She tried to put up a fight, but she couldn't move her limbs. She couldn't move anything at all...she was just lying there....

It was nearly 9:00 and Olivia still hadn't shown up at the precinct yet. Huang walked in around 9:30 and asked the room at large where Olivia was. Evidently he was going to continue talking to Olivia on a regular basis.

"She's late," Cragen replied, stepping out of his office.

"I don't think she's coming..." Elliot added quietly.

"What makes you say that?" Huang asked suspiciously. When Elliot didn't answer right away, he persisted, "Did something happen that would make you think she wasn't going to come?"

"Well, we just had...an argument I guess," he said hesitantly. He felt like he was being scolded by his father for being mean to his little sister.... When Huang continued to look at him, waiting for an explanation, Elliot told how Olivia had asked why they watched the tapes. He told Huang what he said, how he had apologized for something he had said a while back, and then left.

"What was it you said that you were apologizing for?" Huang asked.

Elliot, feeling rather cornered, looked around shiftily. "I...a while back I...I was angry about a case and...I told her that...I couldn't be constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure she was okay...." He spoke barely above a whisper, but the words seemed to echo around the precinct as everyone listened in. He felt like the biggest ass. They were all glaring at him. Cragen looked incredulous.

Huang glared daggers at him as he said, almost to himself, "Well, that certainly explains a lot.... So you're telling me that you further unsettled someone who was clearly already emotionally unstable by bringing up something that huge?" he asked pointedly.

"I...didn't mean..." Elliot stammered.

Huang looked at his watch. "She's probably still asleep after taking those pills, especially with how much sleep she'd been missing," he said.

"Um...I don't think she took the meds," Elliot said. He was starting to feel like he went about last night all wrong....

Huang looked shocked. "I thought for sure you would've made her take them.... In fact, I was counting on it."

"Well, I had intended to, but...I sort of forgot after -"

"After you got carried away with apologizing for something you felt really guilty about, and rightly so I might add, even though it probably hurt her rather than helped her because of when you did it," Munch interrupted coldly.

Elliot replied, angrily now, "I was just trying to help! I wanted her to know she could talk to me if she needed to!"

Huang sighed. "We know you were, Elliot. It was just...really bad timing. I wanted her to take the medicine for a reason." He looked distracted and worried now, which in turn worried Elliot and the others.

"Weren't they just sleeping pills?" Elliot asked.

"Well, yes, but they were also meant to treat extreme anxiety.... With the way she had been acting what with all of her outbursts, I was pretty sure she was suffering from a more extreme form of PTSD. I went ahead and prescribed those specific pills for her, just in case. But now that I know what actually happened, I'm worry about what might have happened last night. She was really in no condition for any further emotional stress, and if my assumptions were correct....I need to go to her apartment," he finished, now with a hint of urgency in his voice.

"I have a key, I'll take you," Elliot offered.

Huang looked at him for a second, considering if Elliot was the right person to take with him. _"I don't have time to argue...." _Huang thought as he nodded to Elliot, at the same time giving him a look that clearly said, "Don't make me regret this."

At the door to Liv's apartment Huang stopped, turned to Elliot and said, "I'm going to ask you not to come in unless I specifically call you. Okay?"

After what had happened at the precinct, Elliot was certainly not going to argue. "Yeah," he nodded.

Huang knocked on the door a couple times then, almost without hesitation, he took the key from Elliot. He opened the door a crack and called, "Olivia, it's Huang. I'm coming in." He opened the door, stepped inside, and closed it partway behind him. Elliot leaned against the wall, waiting to hear her voice.

It never came. Instead, he heard Huang call, "Elliot!" curtly.

Worried, Elliot rushed inside, closing the door behind him.

His stomach dropped to his knees. Olivia was lying on the floor, eyes open, but completely unaware of what was going on around her. He ran over to her and knelt down beside her. She was shaking and drenched in cold sweat. He moved to feel her forehead, but thought better of touching her. He had no idea what was happening. She looked like she was in pain. He was terrified.

"I think she's having a panic attack," Huang responded to Elliot's unanswered question. He lifted her eyelids a little; her eyes were slightly rolled back into her head. "Olivia," he said loudly. "Can you hear me?" Nothing. He gently slapped her face. "She's completely unresponsive," he said worriedly. He looked around and, seeing her medicine bag on the floor near the wall he grabbed it and opened the bottle. "Tilt her head up a little," he said. "Thankfully these tend to work within 10 minutes," he explained as he massaged her throat to make sure the pill went down. "Get me a warm wash clothe. And a blanket. Quickly," he added.

Huang continued to call Olivia's name, trying to get her to respond. Her breathing was really shallow and rapid. He hoped she wasn't imagining what he thought she was.... She had such a pained and frightened expression on her face....

Elliot returned with the wash clothe, a bowl of hot water, and the blanket. Huang took the blanket first and, with Elliot's help, wrapped Olivia's body in it. She still hadn't responded.

"Help me move her to the couch," Huang requested. Together they carried her and gently laid her down on the couch. Elliot took the wash clothe, wet it, and began softly massaging her forehead. She seemed to relax a little. Well, at least she had stopped shaking.

Huang continued to try to coax her out of her trance-like state.

"Olivia. It's George. You're in your apartment, Olivia. Come back, now. Try and listen to what I'm saying, Liv," he continued.

After about 15 minutes that felt like a lifetime, Olivia's breathing finally steadied, her body relaxed completely and her eyes closed. The pained and frightened expression on her face faded, to be replaced by an expression of relief.

"The meds finally kicked in," announced Huang. "She's sleeping."

They both released a sigh of relief.

"Is she going to be okay?" Elliot asked.

"For now, yes," he replied.

Elliot wasn't exactly satisfied with that response.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: So, first off, I am sooooo sorry for the huge delay in updating! I've been having a horrible case of writer's block. :( But it's finally here, and I hope you like it! As always, please read and review!**

**Chapter 8**

"What now?" Elliot asked tentatively. He looked at Olivia, who looked almost peaceful, if it weren't for the shadows of sleeplessness under her eyes.

Huang thought for a moment before answering, "I'm going to wake her up."

Elliot was baffled. "What do you mean, you're going to wake her up? She needs to sleep...whatever you want to talk to her about, can't it wait? I mean, after what we just saw...can't you just let her rest?" he finished somewhat pleadingly.

"When someone has a panic attack like Olivia just had," Huang explained, "the things they imagine are almost indistinguishable from reality. The sooner they are made to understand what was real and what wasn't, the better. Not even sleep can hold fear at bay."

His expression was neutral, but what he said worried Elliot, so he chose not to argue. He nodded resolutely and said, "I should probably head back to the station then. Just..." he paused, as if debating his next words. Huang waited patiently, curiously observing Elliot's conflicted expression. "Don't tell her I was here. She wouldn't have wanted me to see that..."

Huang was somewhat surprised, but nodded nonetheless.

"Thanks," Elliot said quietly before leaving and closing the door behind him.

Huang turned to Olivia's sleeping form on the couch, wishing he could let her sleep peacefully, knowing she hadn't since her stint undercover. But he also knew what the repercussions of that would be, and so he reached out his arm and began to gently shake her awake.

As she began to stir, Olivia did not notice the hand on her shoulder, nor did she open her eyes. She felt groggy, and longed to go back to sleep, but something wasn't right. She tried to remember what was happening and where she was before she had fallen asleep but couldn't. Then she remembered the feel of someone on top of her...violating her...Harris. She closed her eyes tighter, afraid of what she might see if she opened them. She tried to fight the tears and the fear, but was having little success.

Huang saw Olivia's eyes flutter but not open. Then he noticed her eyes close tightly, moisture forming at the corner, the beginnings of tear forced back. Her breathing was rapid and shallow. "Olivia," he called urgently, trying to ground her and bring her back to reality.

Someone was calling her name, but only held her eyes shut even more, fearing it was Harris...back for more... Then it came again, the sound of someone calling her name...not Harris at all. Her eyes shot open, and above her she saw Huang's concerned faced. "George!" she called, sitting up, surprise and relief etched across her features. She moved to cover herself up, but she was already covered. And she wasn't in the basement at all, but rather in her own apartment on the couch. She knew her motion had not gone unnoticed by Huang, and she began to feel ashamed. And confused. Again she tried to remember what had happened last night, but all she could remember was being in the basement...raped. She swallowed hard. She could almost feel him on her skin...touching her... She closed her eyes instinctively.

Her breathing had jumped to a rapid pace and she was visibly shaking. Huang immediately felt her pulse; it was skyrocketing. "Liv, you're having an anxiety attack. I need you to take deep breaths," he said, gently pushing her to lay back down. Her racing pulse had not slackened and her breathing was still out of control. "Look at me Olivia. Focus on me, and try to breathe slowly." She opened her eyes reluctantly, her fear clear as she looked into Huang's eyes. "Take a deep breath Liv. That's it."

She forced herself to inhale slowly and deeply before slowly exhaling. She repeated the process again and again, with Huang's guidance, until she felt herself relax. She hadn't noticed herself shaking, but she felt it stop with relief.

Huang felt her pulse return to normal. He moved to sit in the chair diagonally across from the crouch, and moved it slightly so that he could see her face clearly from that position.

"What happened?" Olivia asked, sitting up. She realized now that what she thought had happened couldn't possibly have, or she wouldn't be in her apartment and Huang wouldn't be here. She felt even more ashamed. _"So much for being able to handle yourself,"_ she inwardly scolded. She couldn't believe she had managed to make a fool of herself yet again. Dammit, she hated feeling so _stupid_. _"I'll be lucky if anyone at the precinct ever looks at me the same way," _she thought, her face burning. _"And of course the person to see me like this is the one who has the power to stop me from doing my job."_ She was pissed at herself. She just felt so..._angry_.

"You should lay down," Huang answered.

"I don't think I'm exactly the lay on the crouch and talk to a shrink type," she snapped.

"I wouldn't imagine you to be," he replied calmly. "I only want you to lay down because your breathing tends to be more steady in that position."

She blanched, again ashamed. _"Great. Now he thinks I'm just on the verge of losing it. This is just great."_

"What happened?" she repeated.

"You had a panic attack last night. I found you this morning when Captain Cragen said you hadn't been in and weren't answering your phone." He paused, gauging her reaction. "Olivia, what happened during your attack last night?"

"I don't remember," she answered gruffly, while the images that she now knew to be false streamed across her mind.

"Do you remember where you went just a minute again after waking up?" he asked gently.

_"The same damn place," _she thought angrily.

"No," she said. "I don't remember." It was bull, and they both knew it. It had only just happened, after all.

"Did you go to the basement in Sealview?" he prodded.

She couldn't hide her reaction, and so she simply nodded.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Not particularly," she said coolly. "In fact, I don't really feel like talking at all," she added.

Huang ignored her. "Was there anything different that you imagined that didn't actually take place?" he continued, attempting to pull the truth out of her.

She didn't answer. She remembered him succeeding in forcing her to perform oral sex on him, and the gagging feeling in her throat. She remembered how he went further, and how she could feel him inside of her, touching her everywhere...it had all felt so real... She subconsciously grabbed one of the pillows from the couch and held it tightly over her stomach, drawing her knees inward. "I don't want to talk," she mumbled feebly.

He could tell she was getting agitated again, but he needed to push her to open up if she was ever going to begin to heal. "Olivia, did you feel as though he were raping you?" he asked gently.

She forced herself to breathe as she fought back the tears, but she did not respond to him.

"Have there been any other times where you imagined he succeeded what he failed to do in reality?"

She again said nothing, but the answer was written all over her face.

"Olivia, tell me about the nightmares."

"What do you want me to say? It seems like you've already got a pretty clear idea." Her voice was quiet but her anger and frustration were clearly conveyed.

He wasn't phased. "How long have you been having them?"

She hesitated before answering, "Every night since I got back."

"Any flashbacks?"

"Yes," she gritted through her teeth.

"Do you have the often?"

His questions were unrelenting. "No," she said. It was half-true, at least.

He knew she wasn't being completely honest, so he waited, as if he was expecting her to continue.

Angrily, Olivia continued, "Not often...at first. But it's been getting harder to hold them back. It's usually only when I'm sitting still, not doing anything, that I have them."

"Why not talk to someone when it got too difficult? You know from experience with victims that getting help can only help."

She winced. _"I am not a victim_,_" _she cringed.

Suddenly Huang remembered what Elliot apologized to Olivia for right before leaving her apartment. _"I couldn't be constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure she was okay,"_ is what he said he'd told her.

"Olivia, do you remember anything that happened last night that might have triggered the panic attack? After Elliot took you home?"

He knew immediately he had guessed correctly. She sat up and turned towards him, rage in her eyes.

"This is pointless. I'm done," she said bluntly.

"Why is this pointless? I'm only trying to help you, to look out for your best interest." He was scrambling; if he wasn't careful, she would shut down right now and he'd have to start over at another time, if he could get her to talk to him at all.

"Because it's not helping!" she yelled, on her feet now. "In fact, it's getting worse! So what's the point in that? I'm better off on my own..." she added, under her breath.

"We've only spoken twice now; these things take time. Would it be wrong to say that it was already getting worse before you talked to me, giving you all the more reason to get help?"

He had hit another nerve. "Look, I don't want to talk to you, and I don't have to. That's all there is to it." She was trying to find a way out. She did not want this conversation to continue in the direction it was headed.

"Know, you don't have to talk to me. But as I've already told you, I can't allow you to remain on the field if I feel you're a danger, either to yourself or to others. And though I wish I could get you to talk to me simply for your own good, I will compel you to do so for the sake of your job."

"That's blackmail," she said angrily.

"It's not. It's the truth, and you know it."

She remained standing for a minute, glaring at the doctor. Then, after seeming to come to a decision, she sat back down on the couch.

He waited a moment before asking again, "What happened between you and Elliot last night?"

As she sat back down, she felt a wave of exhaustion run through her body, along with a throbbing headache that began to form at the base of her temple. She was too tired to keep fighting him, but she felt so vulnerable. "It's not easy, you know." She stood up and headed to the kitchen, grabbing bottle of water out of the fridge. "Do you want anything?" she asked.

"I'm fine, thank you." After she had settled back down on the couch he asked, "What's not always easy?"

"Talking," she said simply, with a bitter chuckle. She took a sip of water, absentmindedly rubbing her forehead.

"About how you feel?"

"Yeah."

"I know you have to keep a lot in for the job. But you should let it out every once in a while. There's no shame in needing to talk to someone every once in a while, especially not with a job like yours. The horrors you face on a daily basis, some people can't even imagine."

Olivia said nothing. Huang decided to shift back. "So what happened last night with you and Elliot?"

"Nothing, really. He just...he apologized for saying something to me a while back, on the Gitano case. We were chasing him, and he was using a child as a shield. He slashed my neck, and Elliot...stopped to make sure I was okay, before going after the boy. He...he didn't get there in time. Afterward, he told me..." She paused, taking a sip of water to mask the crack in her voice. "He told me he couldn't keep looking over his shoulder making sure I was okay. That he...he needed to know that I could do my job...without him having to come to the rescue." She took another sip of water, looking at the ground.

"That was pretty harsh. Do you think that changed the way you handle things?"

"There's nothing wrong with the way I do my job, nothing I needed to change," she said defensively.

"That's not what I meant. I mean, do you think that after that you felt the need to confide less in people? Like you had something to prove by dealing with everything on your own?"

She thought for a minute, then said, "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Olivia, is that why you didn't want anyone to know about what happened at Sealview?"

She visibly tensed; her grip on the water bottle had started to dent the plastic, and her jaw was set. "No. Maybe. It might've been part of it."

**Another A/N: Sorry to end it there, I realized it's like right in the middle of it, but I have to get to bed and I wanted to get this up at least, since it's been so long. I will definitely be updating soon, though! ^_^**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: This is a short chapter, for which I apologize. But again, the night is fading to morning, and I have got to get some sleep. However, the ending on this one is much more akin to my usual chapter endings, which I am much happier with. So, as usual, and without further ado, please enjoy! And, as always, I greatly appreciate all the reviews! **

**Chapter 9**

"Do you think he really meant what he said?" Huang asked.

She paused, thinking. "No, I don't think he did...I never really thought he meant it, but..."

Huang waited, but when it was clear she wasn't going to continue, he guessed, "But what he said hurt."

It was a statement, not a question. She didn't look up. She didn't respond or nod her head. She didn't have to.

Huang chose his next words carefully; Liv and Elliot's relationship very complicated, and something they were both very keen to avoid talking about or even addressing that it existed. "Did it hurt because of what he said...or because it was him who said it?"

He knew immediately that he had gone to far. But he also knew there was probably very few things he could have said on the matter that would not have been going to far.

She glared at Huang, making eye contact for the first time since she had agreed to continue talking to him. "Elliot is my partner. We work together on a daily basis. That's why what he said hurt. That's all there is to it," she said defiantly.

Huang stopped there, though there was one more question he had greatly wanted to ask. He wanted to ask her, _"Did Elliot's statement hurt and anger you because not only did it admit that you mean a great deal to him, but it also implied that he didn't want you to mean that much to him."_ That was what he had wanted to ask, but somehow he knew he never would. It was almost irrelevant at this point, at least it was in this case. But there were other times, he knew, where it would've mattered, and there would be many more, he was certain.

After a minute in which Olivia periodically glared at him, he switched gears. "You said that Elliot was only part of the reason why you didn't tell anyone what happened. What was the rest of it?"

Olivia shot him one last glare before replying, "A lot of things, really. Or, I don't know, maybe it was all the same thing and I just broke it up. I don't know." She struggled a bit, unsure of how to proceed.

"Just take it one thing at a time," Huang advised gently.

She nodded, and decided to start with the reason that was, somehow, the easiest to talk about. "My mother was raped. It tore her apart. She was always constantly struggling with it. It never stopped, never went away. It ruined her life. I've seen it ruin so many of the victims' lives. I...I didn't want that to happen to me. I couldn't take it."

"It's because of your past that you can identify so well with the victims, which is one of the things that makes you such a great cop. But it's only natural that, at the same time, it would make you afraid of the same thing happening to you. Of being raped. But that's no reason for you to feel ashamed. You're only human after all." He gave her a small smile, and watched as she took in what he said. She didn't reply, but she was listening, and that was what mattered most. He gave her a moment before gently prodding her to continue. "What else, Liv? What else made you decide to keep it a secret?"

"They wouldn't look at me the same if they knew. Munch, Fin, Cragen, Elliot. They would look at me as a victim, not as a cop. But I'm not a victim. I was almost a victim, but I'm not."

"You're a victim of sexual assault. Of attempted rape," Huang corrected.

"But not of rape. I'm not a rape victim. And I didn't want to be treated like one. I still don't, but it doesn't look like I have a choice anymore. They all know, and after everything that's happened...the way I've acted...they'll never see me the same." A small tear escaped, and she quickly wiped it away under the guise of brushing a strand of hair off of her face.

Huang smiled softly, kindly, and laid a hand on her shoulder. "I think you maybe underestimating your colleagues."

She looked up at him and saw nothing but kindness and caring in his eyes. She smiled slightly, her first in some time; she felt the small strain on her face.

After a moment he removed his hand from her shoulder. He knew there was still more yet, and so he waited until she was ready.

"I was afraid of losing my job. I was afraid that you, or the higher-ups, would force me to transfer. As sick as this job is, I live for it. For the victims. To help them get justice. I can't let that be taken away from me. No matter what it takes."

"Even at the expense of your own health and well-being?" he asked.

She nodded. "If my dying were to help a victim, it's worth it."

"Olivia," Huang began in a low, almost warning tone, "If you're gone, then who will help the future victims? The ones that only _you_ are able to reach? Your health is just as important as theirs. You must realize that. You have to take care of yourself first sometimes. And if you do that," he added, "you won't lose your job. Cragen wouldn't allow it if he knew you were fit to do the job. He knows you're a good cop, but only when you're healthy."

Her throat was constricted, but that was not why Olivia said nothing. _"If my dying were to help a victim, it's worth it,"_ she repeated to herself. It was true. She had always felt that way and acted accordingly. She risked everything to help him, like she couldn't help her mother. And she would continue to do so.

She did not reply. And, Huang could tell, she did not quite agree, and that worried him. He didn't push it at the moment, though he made a mental note to mention it again later. Instead, he asked, "If you could put it into words, Olivia, what would you say was the worst thing about what happened in Sealview?"

The question caught her off guard. She knew immediately what her answer was, but because she was surprised, she didn't take the time to think about what she was saying, and how she was saying it. "I guess that, subconsciously, I'd thought that, as a cop, I was safer, you know? The whole 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' thing. I also thought that, as a cop, I'd be able to protect myself. Fight back. Heh. Guess not." You could almost feel the resentment in her voice. "I wasn't strong enough - no, I was too _weak_ to do anything to stop him. I fought and I fought but nothing made a difference." The inwardly-directed anger was evident in her voice, and growing. She was on her feet now, and was beginning to pace as she spoke. "As much as I try to keep in shape, as much as I know about self-defense, I'm still too _damn_ WEAK to fight off a perp! If I can't protect myself, how can I even claim to be able to have my partner's back in the field? What right at all do I have to be a cop, when I can't even protect myself?" Then, almost too herself, but loud enough for Huang to hear, she added, half snarling, "_I'm so weak it makes me sick._"

Huang watched her carefully. She was standing still now, seething with rage. Self-rage. He had to ask. "Olivia," he began calmly, soothingly, but also seriously and worriedly. "Have you ever thought of hurting yourself?"


End file.
